Welllll, it's coming up close to the end of the day...When I published this morning, I had every intention of going on to write a review, but I was still agitated and was afraid I would not do the review justice with my mind roaming...
I immediately decided I needed to get out of the house, so I called my sister and we were out most of the day, having lunch and getting groceries...
But I realized that I kinda threw the pitch this morning to some of you who may not have known what I was talking about....
It's been over 10 years since I retired. Several years before that, I got to a point, due to quantity of work plus poor communication between myself and a new supervisor, that I broke, with an inability to stop crying. While I was still working, I knew that my mind was suffering when, in a meeting, I blacked out for a second or so and forgot what I was saying. One of the people there told me that it wasn't too noticeable, but I knew it had to have been since I was the one speaking... At that time, I was Interim Director of Facilities Planning and Management at West Virginia University.
First I had taken the opportunity to see a psychiatrist as provided for employees...While they understood what was happening, they went through every possible way to deal with it through channels and we agreed that they couldn't help me within the two visits permitted. I also signed up for an anxiety testing that was being offered... When I got there, they immediately saw my condition and asked a few questions... They declared that what I was experiencing was not anxiety..just overwork...and they could not include me in the study... In fact, it was that group that arranged for me to take advantage of the two counseling sessions available.
I had talked to quite a number of other officials, so I felt I had tried every avenue for me...By the time I "broke" and called my pastor, there were no options except to go on a medical leave...
One of the after effects of the move into clinical depression was that, as long as I am on medication, I live a stable normal life; however, when ANY type of disturbance occurs, because of inefficiency or just plain negligence, I begin to have nightmares of past work... For instance, I gave up a year of my work life to clear up financial problems in project management afters those responsible had failed to keep good records...To this day, I cannot bring myself to immediately handle my own bills, oftentimes procrastinating and having to pay a fee...I'm aware I'm doing this, know it's stupid, but I can't bring myself to be forced to use time I want for something else to again handle financial matters. In my mind, I seem to want to balance out the year I lost by making somebody else wait for me this time...
When I first retired and was on a different medication, I dreamed quite often. Since my employment had earlier included clerical functions, I might spend the night copying a report due the next day...over and over...putting covers on, etc., and never getting the job done before I would awake. Even then, I would remember the dream and work to figure out what had caused my emotional flashback the previous day. It was almost always something to do with some business transaction about which I was upset... Any business transaction places me in my former business situation where ultimate control was out of my hands, of course...
I had planned on writing a book, Emotionally Damaged:The Results of Job Burnout since I knew of many individuals then and now who are being placed under extreme mental, emotional, and, thus, physical pressure at their workplace...
And, they, too, didn't know where to turn. Until very recently, however, I haven't been able to even talk about what happened to me except to a few close friends...So, if you have any concerns about what is happening to you on your job, feel free to share with me and maybe I can help you work through your options...
As time permits and my mind wanders...I'll probably be writing more about what actually happened... One woman with whom I worked, who had a responsible position to know what was happening to me remarked one day something I will never forget...
"They Used You; They Abused You...Now They've Thrown You Away..."
Hope this helps explain what I was sharing this morning...Feel free to ask any questions you may have...
Still irritated though the day out has helped...But I still don't know whether I'll fight the system...or... What would YOU do?
