Emotionally Damaged: Living With Job Burnout Merges with A Single Christian Woman Conflicted About America's Future

 

It was about 6AM when I woke... Actually I was glad for a little extra sleep and spending time away from the computer...But, immediately the glimpses of this beautiful song that I had seen for the last couple of days, popping up at YouTube, reminded me...I AM About the Father's Work... So, now was a good time, right?

The Lord's Prayer was given to All. It teaches us how to talk with God! A Good Thing...the words are coming--This is a time for prayer across the world, not just Christians--but Jews, Muslims, and all those who know that God Exists...MUST be praying...

The use of "My Words are being perverted," used by those who seek power, seek to rule over all God's People, must be stopped. Pray!

According to Vincent Chough, if we are not sure how to pray, he starts us by making sure that we spend a little time with Jesus...

Well, Folks, I've already mentioned when I stop and think of praying, pretty soon words of songs pop up in my mind, and I start singing... Yep, it happened, bringing both of these songs to my mind... So, if you don't mind, since Jesus apparently doesn't, I'm going to go along with this way today...

And tell you about how this came about...for me, at least.. I believe that each of us must find our personal relationship with God and...let Him tell you all about it... For I Know...

Hopefully you begin to see...words matter to me...and when I phrase them in a certain way, I seem to find words I want to say, but musically... Take for instance, The Lord's Prayer. I LOVE to sing this song. Normally, for church, there is no pianist who is able to provide the accompaniment... So I was thrilled to hear Bocelli, my favorite tenor, sing the words, in phrases, pauses, and speed, as I would sing it... I always sing along, or, if I can't sing it vocally, I will within my mind... So, if you know the prayer and want to say it, right now...remember, I'll be singing it along with you! Or, listen to the first video above, and we'll sing it together!

Chough writes an excellent book... He takes you step by step (I promise I am NOT doing this on purpose... Is It the Holy Spirit speaking or my memory of His love shining through music? Well, I just had an answer, I typed in step by step, thinking Each Step I take would come up... Instead, the actual words I had said came with this song...which I had never heard before! And yet, it fits within the topic... God is Cool! isn't He?! For He speaks through this song to walk step by step in His Spirit... Indeed, the Holy Spirit sends words in all situations, I have found... What we most need is to learn how to listen...

Praying for most of us is a personal thing... In the closet, alone, we turn...

When I cannot, or could not, find the words when I was in deep depression, my pastor and his wife had brought me Christian music without words... That did work, because I had been so burdened with all the words that I had to use in order to try to get my heavy workload done, that I could no longer bear to speak... Yet, even then with only accompaniment for the songs, the actual words of those selections filled my mind with those words...of comfort...of love...of...compassion...

Indeed as I began to gain some semblance of control-- at the worst of times I could not stop crying--I would begin to "think..." or, worse, if I were in a conversation and something angered me, I would strike out with harsh words... In My Mind, I was saying, STOP... Talking!

Two memories come to mind that I feel led to share. The first was when my older sister sent her son, Rick, over. I had not been answering the phone. Marlene was worried...and Rick, cared. He started at the front door... I was on the top floor of my condo and looked out the window and saw who it was... I did not want to talk. He kept knocking... I went downstairs and again, stood at the main floor at the top of the stairs, whispering, please leave me alone... And then it was quiet and I thought he might have gone...I was in turmoil, unable to gain control of my emotions, so I laid on the floor of my kitchen, trying to calm down. And, suddenly, knocking on the patio sliding door. I remember looking to my right and seeing feet..."Aunt Glenda" he called. I cried silently, and, in a way, prayed, over and over, please, just leave me alone. The quiet, silence was what I needed... He left...

The second was here in my cabin, after retiring, but still affected by the, I had learned, actual chemical changes that occurred in my brain when I had reached job burnout, resulting in clinical depression, a total lack of control of my mind... I had been...Emotionally Damaged...

I am still on medication for the changes my body made during those days of extreme workload, confusion, and pressure... The day my other sister, Dee, came knocking on my door, I had become upset over something I can't remember. It is normally related to having trouble with a bill, or some work I needed to try to have done... I find I have absolutely no patience, at times, to deal with...inefficiency, stupidity, or just plain nastiness, just because somebody wants to be that way... (As you can probably imagine, I've had many of those times during the last president's chaos and, in different ways, now as he's trying to regain that position, even while criminally acting!)

Anyway, Dee, and her husband Bill, stood at my door. It was a day that I just could not deal with... more... words... I have two doors and they moved from one to another, knocking, calling out for me... Even as I write this, I can remember when my crying turned to anger...Why wouldn't they leave me alone?! And then, I think, for the very first time, I walked to the door, opened it, and angrily spoke to my sister, "You Are Not My Mother!" and started to close the door...and then, even now as I remember it, she had food in her hands and had held it out... Would you believe I opened the door, grabbed the food...and closed the door in her face?! Yes, I did...and though I was immediately sorry, I could not speak further words... I couldn't bring myself to open the door again and say "I'm sorry and thanks for the food..." I went to bed and to sleep, escaping as I did when my emotions had become out of control...

Another time when I was unable to control my emotions, I'd like to share...just because...it's a precious memory... When my cousin, Beverly (Babe) died, with whom I had also been very close friends, she had asked me to sing He Touched Me at her funeral, First, this has become one of my top 10 favorite songs and I have to be in a happy frame of mind to sing it, normally. On that day, I, of course, wasn't... My sister Dee was playing the piano as accompaniment. But... I couldn't stop crying and the more I got upset aout not doing what she had asked of me, I cried even more... Then quietly, without saying anything, my brother, Keith, got up from somewhere behind me in the church, walked up to the piano...and started to sing...He touched Me! I sat, with the words in my mind, singing, calming down slowly...and then, for just the last phrase, I looked upward and sang with my brother... "And, Oh, the joy that floods my soul... Something Happened And NOW I KNOW...He Touched Me and Made Me Whole!" You know, nobody ever said anything to me after that service--not one person...I hope it was because they knew Babe was looking down...and was pleased... and forgiving...

So, when those days occur, and I can't find words, nor sleep, this is what I did... in order to calm myself down, and later, just when I couldn't rest easily, I would start with the alphabet... A Amen!

B

C

I find a song for nearly every letter of the alphabet except those, like X, for which no song has even been written, that I knew, that is... Sometimes I would make my way all the way to Z, singing some songs I knew by heart, some only the first verse and chorus, and some just the chorus...It was the need to make it through until I had calmed... Sometimes, I had to start over with A... and, yes, I would remember a new and different song, with the letter in the title...

So, most times when I start to pray, and think a word...I immediately hear the notes to sing!

Sometimes I would move into a different part that I might sing as a duet (just like some do in this vid of one of my most favorite, I think, prayer and praise songs... My sister and I routinely sang duets in church with her as lead, and my finding a part either higher or lower, whichever my ear would hear within the accompaniment. 

Finally, as I came to reading the final part of Be With Him; Be Like Him, and reading the part when you use The Lord's Prayer, he notes that by that time, we could spend, normally an hour or so with just the one song... I began to think... have I been doing this type of praying all of my life, only...singing the words?  In his book, Chough, takes each phrase of The Lord's Prayer and prays about what those particular words mean... I realize that this would be an effective way to spend time in prayer... for surely that is the goal, spending time... Being With Him...Being Like Him...

For me, way back when I was young and thinking about all things, asking why, who, when, where, and how even in those days... I learned of the Holy Trinity, 3 parts in 1, God, the Father, Jesus, His Son, and The Holy Spirit... Well, for me, since my father had been killed before I was born, I fully accepted God as my Father... His Son, ah... I heard the song...and knew He was to be my greatest, and bestest friend!

And His Holy Spirit was He Who Lives Within Me!

I had never heard this particular song...

but I believe it is

a God Incident...for me...

I am to speak of this experience within my book

I have been emotionally damaged,

But I am...still...about my Father's Business...

Soon...

God Bless,

Gabbie

Emotionally Damaged: Living With Job Burnout - The Beginning - Open Memoir

...a lazy afternoon and my Sunday night shows, especially Madam Secretary have been replaced by ballgames! A shame!

I knew something was wrong... It was Saturday and I was home alone... Mom had died and there was nobody to see me cry.... It had been going on for some time. I knew I needed somebody to talk to. I called Nancy, friend and our choir director, who also worked where I worked and I thought she could better understand what I needed to say...But she didn't answer...

I called my Pastor. He and his wife came, it seemed quickly, and as soon as they came toward me, I cried, "Pray for Me..." I didn't hear any of their words, though. It seemed like one part of my mind was watching...watching the scene of my crying while the Pastor prayed. At the end of the prayer, they started to talk to each other, saying things like, she certainly needs help... For me, I couldn't seem to think coherently to form sentences. I felt like I was in a daze. Then I heard my voice, "They can't do that to people..."

Of course, it wasn't enough for them to know or understand what I was talking about. So I listened to them talking. Finally, they said something that I reacted to... She needs to get to a doctor, they agreed...

That was what I must have been waiting to hear. My older sister had said, I needed to go to church and have oil and elders pray for me... Sure, that would always help. But, since this loving couple had actually seen me as I was, they told me to get to a doctor quickly.

I was able to talk a little and calm down. It was as if I needed to have somebody tell me that a doctor was what I needed at this point... I had explained the earlier comment. Supervisors and administrators made decisions without consideration of their employees. All that had happened, I learned later, resulted in job burnout for me. I was physically tired and needed rest...but, worse, I was emotionally damaged. And once that happens, I learned, that the chemistry in your brain changes...

It is easily 20 years since then. I am still on medicine for clinical depression. I have tried to get off the pills, but it seems I cannot and so I go from day to day, thinking about the past... Thinking that my job had robbed something from me that would never be given back... And, I wondered, are there other people out there who have been so affected by their work environment?

Going to the Doctor...I went to my own doctor and it didn't take long for him to see my condition. I started crying as soon as he entered the small room where I sat waiting. I always try to sit in a chair, but this time, I climbed up on the padded bed... Soon he was checking my heart, blood pressure, and I had calmed down enough to talk. I told him that my pastor had suggested I get to my doctor.

I don't remember how long we talked, but with his questions, he knew I needed to be put on medication. Paxil was the first anti-depression I had ever been on. Though overweight, I had always been in fairly good physical condition. Blood Pressure was a family-inherited condition and was quickly under control for perfect measurement routinely.

He suggested I take a medical leave of absence, and I put in the paperwork for that. At that point, I worked only with Human Resources on that action.

Medication was monitored and it was soon at the highest possible level without psychological assessment. So, I went to one for as long as needed. The thing was, first, I am not a talker, especially about myself. I told her enough to know what was going on. She asked a lot of questions... When we finished that first time, she knew that I had done everything that I could possibly do to help my own situation and it had not worked...

Continuing to have sessions with both my medical and psychological doctors, my medical doctor finally told me the key words I had to deal with: "You need to decide between your job or your life..."

I had walked off the job, gone home and didn't returned. My secretary was the only person I would talk to and told her to tell everybody that was the way it would have to be for now... My leave of absence was for many weeks or months...I don't remember exactly how long...Looking back, it wasn't enough...

What is wrong? I had been unable to control my crying for some time, once it started... I had seen an ad in our campus newspaper about researchers needing individuals for testing for anxiety... So I went...

As soon as I was seen, I was told that what I was experiencing was not anxiety... Who knew? I certainly didn't know what was affecting me at that point. I was told that I could not be included in their research, but they told me that employees were allowed to have three psychological exams to talk more about what was happening. I took those three appointments... And, then, later was required to interact on a routine basis as long as I was on my leave of absence...

The key issue that was a great relief for me was that each of the individuals with whom I spoke told me upfront and continually, that I had done everything that I could do to help myself through what I was experiencing.--I had talked to the ADA representative for our campus. I had talked to Human Resources. I had even talked to a vice-president who was not over me via line authority, but for whom I did the most work.

My job had only become a problem when my first director had left the office we had built together. A new president, and vice-presidents had come in... And assistant vice-presidents were added. Where once I had reported directly to my line director, I had also reported directly to the vice-presidents responsible for the different areas at the university. The increased of just one individual of line authority, upset everything. Those changes brought along a myriad of problems that could never have been expected...

Looking back, I can only say that it wasn't as bad as the White House Administration, LOL, as I began to see in 2016, but it was harder on me than anybody else that was affected...or at least I tried to make that occur...

But, here's the beginning of the candidate's lies... In my experience, most bosses don't lie. They simply do not know enough about management and, in particular, employee management... And do not care to learn--anything! Our past president was worse in all ways. Most of us know that, but I would be happy to discuss what I mean... Let's just say that during the Trump administration, I was inundated with flashback PTSD nightmares into burnout... 

Do YOU Care? Do You say You're Sorry--And Mean It? Thoughts On the Elderly in America... God's Love; God's Truth

 

Several days ago,  I was at a doctor's office... I was sitting waiting. I would watch people coming in, so that when an elderly oriental woman came in, in a wheelchair, with a belt around her chest to keep her upright, I noticed... She paused her chair while a man went on to the window... probably by the age difference, her son, was my guess. But he had to ask her something, so she maneuvered around within the waiting room and went to the window. Suddenly the man cussed so loudly that we all heard him--he had not known she was behind him, I guess. But instead of saying something like, oops, sorry didn't know you were there, he went on, yelling, I told you last week...whatever...he then stormed by me leaving the woman to follow and went out into the hall. She slowly wheeled her chair by... I couldn't help myself, I reached out twice to her, touching her arm, the second time she slowed. I quietly said. "You need somebody to care for you that doesn't yell at you..." She spoke out of the corner of her mouth, softly, "thank you." and rolled on. Once outside he began speaking loudly again. I imagined that he must have asked her what happened. I don't know... I almost got up to follow them, but figured that it could become even louder and disruptive. 

I still worry about her. My friend Manny recently talked about the difference in being old, and being an elder... Unless we know the individual we may not know the difference. So, I say to you... Anybody who is older deserves at least respect and kindness. They may not have the history of an Elder as the term is used by Indigenous People (and that is also very important), but, as soon as I got into the car, I started talking about what happened to my caretaker... 

She has been the perfect person for me in so many ways. But most of all she has been kind and constantly courtesy from the very beginning... I cringe, wondering what physically might have also been going on with this woman... I learned yesterday that it could be so much worse for many... Your heritage of respecting your elders is so very important... How I wish that it could be so for everybody.

I had made a mistake about the time for my appointment. I'm sorry is all I could say, but she never raised her voice and when I asked her for help, she immediately turned away from the confusion asking what I needed...I think of that song, They Will Know We Are Christians by Our Love. Her love speaks to me each time I see her...

There is so much hatred, violence, and lies that are being used to incite terrible feelings for each other... How and why has this happened? It is certainly not how people were even a decade ago...

And worst of all, those who are inciting these terrible emotions are using religion as a basis for doing these acts!

I was one of the lucky ones. I reached 70 and had never been in the hospital after I was born... But then I had to "schedule" each thing that was happening. Priority 1 was to remove a tumor from my brain. Second priority was to replace my left hip...

Third priority was to have cataracts removed from both eyes one right after the other. Of course, Covid had kept me inside for about the two years... Still, with physical therapy, I have done well... And am able to take care of myself for most days. What would I do if I were confined to a wheelchair, unable to ever get out? It is hard to imagine, yet, I watched the woman, perhaps even around my present age, yet she looked so much older due to, in my thought, because of poor care for herself, poor care of the routine things done each day...

Other more routine things such as incontinence I can deal with, with medication and appropriate support supplemental clothing. Yet, I recognize that, without my caretaker, Rachel, I would not have been able to do as much as I do--taking the time for blogging, reading keeping my routine busy, my mind involved...

During Covid families seemed to come together, yet, it was the president's failure to pull America together, choosing instead to make a big deal out of using masks, having vaccine... and, yes, lying about what was going on...

I am so sick and tired of republicans lying to us. I was amazed to learn today that House Leader Johnson had decided to do his job... Perhaps, he really is a Christian, and has realized that if He didn't change, he would be losing the loyalty that comes from us seeing that he is acting in love and concern for citizens, no matter what political party...

Have you noticed and realized that the republican party keeps harping about not acting on the border, yet it was with Trump's demand that the House NOT acted upon a bi-partisan group who had put together a border security which was stopped... And then lies started coming out, blaming the other party for not doing anything about the border, republicans such as by Marjorie Green and other MAGA Conservatives... Johnson realized that he wanted to be on the right side of history... But I hope he is also striving to regain being on the right side of God our Father...

Let's get very specific. The Republican Party, with Trump as their leader refuses to ban military rifles, have no desire to control the purchase of guns...Our children are dying... Hate for anybody different than a white national christianity is...just...not...of... the God I know... the Jesus I Know...

My God is A God of Love

My God is a God of Truth

God Bless

Gabby