...a lazy afternoon and my Sunday night shows, especially Madam Secretary have been replaced by ballgames! A shame!
I knew something was wrong... It was Saturday and I was home alone... Mom had died and there was nobody to see me cry.... It had been going on for some time. I knew I needed somebody to talk to. I called Nancy, friend and our choir director, who also worked where I worked and I thought she could better understand what I needed to say...But she didn't answer...
I called my Pastor. He and his wife came, it seemed quickly, and as soon as they came toward me, I cried, "Pray for Me..." I didn't hear any of their words, though. It seemed like one part of my mind was watching...watching the scene of my crying while the Pastor prayed. At the end of the prayer, they started to talk to each other, saying things like, she certainly needs help... For me, I couldn't seem to think coherently to form sentences. I felt like I was in a daze. Then I heard my voice, "They can't do that to people..."
Of course, it wasn't enough for them to know or understand what I was talking about. So I listened to them talking. Finally, they said something that I reacted to... She needs to get to a doctor, they agreed...
That was what I must have been waiting to hear. My older sister had said, I needed to go to church and have oil and elders pray for me... Sure, that would always help. But, since this loving couple had actually seen me as I was, they told me to get to a doctor quickly.
I was able to talk a little and calm down. It was as if I needed to have somebody tell me that a doctor was what I needed at this point... I had explained the earlier comment. Supervisors and administrators made decisions without consideration of their employees. All that had happened, I learned later, resulted in job burnout for me. I was physically tired and needed rest...but, worse, I was emotionally damaged. And once that happens, I learned, that the chemistry in your brain changes...
It is easily 20 years since then. I am still on medicine for clinical depression. I have tried to get off the pills, but it seems I cannot and so I go from day to day, thinking about the past... Thinking that my job had robbed something from me that would never be given back... And, I wondered, are there other people out there who have been so affected by their work environment?
Going to the Doctor...I went to my own doctor and it didn't take long for him to see my condition. I started crying as soon as he entered the small room where I sat waiting. I always try to sit in a chair, but this time, I climbed up on the padded bed... Soon he was checking my heart, blood pressure, and I had calmed down enough to talk. I told him that my pastor had suggested I get to my doctor.
I don't remember how long we talked, but with his questions, he knew I needed to be put on medication. Paxil was the first anti-depression I had ever been on. Though overweight, I had always been in fairly good physical condition. Blood Pressure was a family-inherited condition and was quickly under control for perfect measurement routinely.
He suggested I take a medical leave of absence, and I put in the paperwork for that. At that point, I worked only with Human Resources on that action.
Medication was monitored and it was soon at the highest possible level without psychological assessment. So, I went to one for as long as needed. The thing was, first, I am not a talker, especially about myself. I told her enough to know what was going on. She asked a lot of questions... When we finished that first time, she knew that I had done everything that I could possibly do to help my own situation and it had not worked...
Continuing to have sessions with both my medical and psychological doctors, my medical doctor finally told me the key words I had to deal with: "You need to decide between your job or your life..."
I had walked off the job, gone home and didn't returned. My secretary was the only person I would talk to and told her to tell everybody that was the way it would have to be for now... My leave of absence was for many weeks or months...I don't remember exactly how long...Looking back, it wasn't enough...
What is wrong? I had been unable to control my crying for some time, once it started... I had seen an ad in our campus newspaper about researchers needing individuals for testing for anxiety... So I went...
As soon as I was seen, I was told that what I was experiencing was not anxiety... Who knew? I certainly didn't know what was affecting me at that point. I was told that I could not be included in their research, but they told me that employees were allowed to have three psychological exams to talk more about what was happening. I took those three appointments... And, then, later was required to interact on a routine basis as long as I was on my leave of absence...
The key issue that was a great relief for me was that each of the individuals with whom I spoke told me upfront and continually, that I had done everything that I could do to help myself through what I was experiencing.--I had talked to the ADA representative for our campus. I had talked to Human Resources. I had even talked to a vice-president who was not over me via line authority, but for whom I did the most work.
My job had only become a problem when my first director had left the office we had built together. A new president, and vice-presidents had come in... And assistant vice-presidents were added. Where once I had reported directly to my line director, I had also reported directly to the vice-presidents responsible for the different areas at the university. The increased of just one individual of line authority, upset everything. Those changes brought along a myriad of problems that could never have been expected...
Looking back, I can only say that it wasn't as bad as the White House Administration, LOL, as I began to see in 2016, but it was harder on me than anybody else that was affected...or at least I tried to make that occur...
But, here's the beginning of the candidate's lies... In my experience, most bosses don't lie. They simply do not know enough about management and, in particular, employee management... And do not care to learn--anything! Our past president was worse in all ways. Most of us know that, but I would be happy to discuss what I mean... Let's just say that during the Trump administration, I was inundated with flashback PTSD nightmares into burnout...
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